Kinda Stuck in the Past

I’m kinda stuck in the past. I say “kinda” because I wish to correct those things I foolishly chosen but I am wanting, needing and fighting for a new beginning.
Logically there is no “new beginning” what has happened, happened and I have to move on or I’ll stay stopped. And, that’s what has happened- I STOPPED.
I was so very gun-ho in my last post. Very optimistic that I could make a freelance living to pay all bills and have some fun doing it. I chose to do some jobs for free or little pay to keep the wheels greased. I forgot when rent is due that does not mean you get your invoice paid in or on time. Robbing Peter and Paul to pay the landlord, utilities, or get groceries; is not working anymore.
BUT, (yes, there is a but) I feel good today!
My stopping was that I was kinda stuck in the past. Mom has past for 2 years now. I have great Godly appointed parents. Their love and support, plus the Godly appointed family members has strengthen me to get to this point.
The way my mother passed has hit me hard, very hard. It brought up my fathers, grandparents and my sister’s death. That on top of being in a relationship with a man I loved with all my being; I thought would lead to marriage but ended on a sour note and I’m still struggling to be a respectable photographer…I made the choice to stop.
Put on a smiling mask and act like all of that does not bother me.
I looked at other established, respectable photographers and wonder “how the hell did you get it together to become the photographer that you are?” From Richard Avedon, Annie Leibovitz, Gordon Parks, Tennie Harris and James Van Der Zee. These are artist I admire. There are current artist I respect as well and I pose the question to them. Then tonight (May 21, 2013) happened….
I was on assignment photographing a candidate who won to become the next Mayor of Pittsburgh and hearing him say “…there’s more work to come. We’re not done yet!”… Just hit me like a bolt of lightning! Don’t know if it was because it was hot as all get out or what but I felt the message, “There’s more work to come. We’re not done yet!”
And, neither am I!
I’ve applied to a mentoring program with Young Photographer Alliance. I am praying and hoping I am chosen to do this great idea I have in mind. I continue to work on events and started doing wedding photography!
The studio is still in preparation, basically I’m ready to go. I worked with a great group of kids and mentors at the ‘ Still Feel Like Going On’ workshop teaching young men the art of photography. I work with a great theater company called New Horizon Theater and an awesome stage manager/life coach Michelle Betts of ‘Production at it’s ‘Betts’.
Life is good.
Yeah, I’m still struggling. And yeah, I miss my deceased parents. I also miss being in a relationship. But, these experiences I hate to say have built me to be stronger, even when I feel defeated.
So, tonight (May 21st, 2013) I’m tired but I’m happy and ready to go!
There’s more work to be done! I’m not done yet! 😉


This entry was published on May 29, 2013 at 1:43 pm. It’s filed under PhotographerGirl and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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