I don’t expect a lot of good to come strolling my way.
I’m a optimist for others and a pessimist for myself. Bad luck, bad things and Bad Karma can do that to a mind; have you think your unwanted, not needed or unloved. So, why expect it?
I do know that it is expected of me to do all for others. I’m at fault on that one. Because, I guessed that’s how a community works. People give and take to cope with the outside world. But, some give and give and get shit. Shit can’t be eaten, it’s not perfume and it’s not profitable.
So, your a waste- a waste basket for those that give you shit as you give Good Karma. As long as you let it be, it will be; be a waste basket and you will always be one. That’s what good about choice and change. Those two lead to free will. Free Will let’s you, me…everyone make a difference other than what has been or will be experienced or has been experienced. You can be a butterfly, instead of that waste basket. Though their lifespan is not long. Hey, they say life is short for us humans too.
But, I wonder how do I fit into community if my choice to change is a singular way of being?
I don’t like to be alone/singular. I actually like community, people and kinship. Some times. Think of me as Spock, without my Kirk.
What I don’t like is being used to be a part. Just a part and a waste basket is what is given, so others feel better about themselves and I’m left to clean myself up. No help.
Another year has added on to this life of mine. I see. I’m alone.
In the last year I was broken up with by a lover, a friend (actually a couple of those) and a career.
The lover wasn’t a good relationship when things got bad or heavy, still I love him and wished we were married and had children. But that ‘don’t like to be used’ pride started whispering to my ghost and well…I chose to be alone than with someone who couldn’t/wouldn’t get along. I just wanted to get along.
The friend, the one I really miss was like a sister. The other, well friend of friends can go either way and the way was not to be friends. The sister friend needed more than I was willing to give at a time when we both needed a really good sister to have our back. It’s not good when I know my weakness is to become a loner at times to not burden others.
I wasn’t open and weak for her to see. And, when I did finally open up, she wasn’t perceptive because she was vulnerable and she needed a shoulder. I see that I may not have been the friend she needed at the time. She’s missed but I will let her be.
Then the career. It’s a great living being a teacher but I’ve lost my love for creating images. I’ve photographed a lot and know what I like to shoot and what I don’t. Unfortunately, the ‘don’t like’ is around more and available than the ‘do like’.
In this given era, I choose to be alone to recharge. That has given me a bad rap; that I prefer to be sad and alone or happy and alone than be with others.
And, that’s not it.
I need to recharge because that 80/20 rule is real and needs to change in my favor. No more 20% given to me please. If ya can, I give 100%, you give 100% back (at least). If I give you 20%, then of course only give me the same. I may ask for more, I’m hoping your willing and wanting to give it. So expect to give more, too. See? Now isn’t that easy or too Spock for your Kirk?
If yes, then yes let’s part ways and I hope all good Karma your way. You may not feel the same…c ‘est la vie.
So, no resolutions in this new chapter. I didn’t get this far to forget about last year and hope this one will be better. It’s just going to be because I choose it to be and understand my faults and strengths.
Now getting those two to work together in my singular existence is the real job!
I know I can love because I have loved. I know I can be a friend because I had friends and get along quite well with others (yes, when I want to:-) And, I know I can create imagery because I got a whole lot of external hard drives with the stuff and most of it’s good. Haha
This is not a New Year but a continuation with New Choices, New Changes and New Karma; Good, Bad &WTF.
Happy ‘C ‘est la Vie’ you all
C ‘est la Vie